It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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