Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize
