I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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