you turned your livingroom into a bong?
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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