I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
How does one acquire holy water?
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
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