so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
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We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
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Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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