we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
