Swine flu. Run for my life!
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
