I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
