I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
