Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Randomize
