What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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