just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
