was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
We don't watch enough power rangers
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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