You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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