I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
