Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Randomize
