"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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