I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
