dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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