o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Randomize
