I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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