my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
