Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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