i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
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Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
false alarm, still single
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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