Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
