the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
