The maid of honor just puked.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
