I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize