True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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