I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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