you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
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I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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