pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
