thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Randomize
