Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
