If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
