he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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