So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
