how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize