Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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