Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
