I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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