I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
