I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
