Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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