Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize