i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
