I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
