theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
