I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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