That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
