Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
