put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Randomize
