when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
He kissed a someone with a penis
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
