so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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