this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
