Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Randomize
