I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
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