I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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