the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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