she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Randomize
