I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
