i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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