the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Randomize
