last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
